Audiam vocal eius- a guide through the events leading to my babies

The title, "Audiam vocal eius, " is Latin for "I listen to His voice." Psalm 119:105 is a well-known verse, “Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path.” Nothing better describes the role of God’s word, His voice, during my 3 ½ year journey from infertility to a healthy pregnancy of multiples! 

This has been taped to my mirror since April 2012.

This has been on our living room table since April 2012.

After Zach and I married, we both knew we wanted children and saw no reason to wait, but God had other plans as He often does.  After almost a year of trying, we went to a fertility doctor to start the testing process and the best ways to approach our issues.   The first thing suggested to us was timed ovulation with a trigger shot for me to ovulate.  After that did not work, we moved on to IUIs.  After 2 of those did not work, we took a break.  During this time, the Lord was so merciful to us.  We were surrounded with friends who understood, who kindly sympathized, and prayed with us.  I joined with Caroline Harris for Mom’s In the Making.  It was there that I discovered what the Bible says about fertility, how God loves to bless His children, and that He wants us to ‘be fruitful and multiply’.  During this time, I had several visions of my children.  Two visions specifically. There were always three children the same age, 2 girls and 1 boy, playing in my kitchen and in the other one they were playing outside.  I had a good friend tell me she had a dream and felt strongly I was going to have triplets.  I was not sure exactly what to think at this point, I just knew that God was going to give us children in His time.  I got the courage to return to the doctor, and try IUIs again.  After those failed, we began to consider IVF.  To this point, we had felt wary of this procedure.  IVF is much more intense than IUIs, more time, more money, more shots, and also, more ethical decision-making.  Every couple that decides to try IVF must make these decisions for themselves.  Thankfully, we went to a doctor that was able and willing to freeze eggs (or oocytes) our goal was to transfer all embryos to my uterus, as opposed to freezing embryos.  Again, after our research and prayer, this was the plan we came up with and every couple is different.  Because we wanted to transfer all embryos, we took the chance of less success by inseminating very few eggs.  Praise God, we had a successful retrieval.  Our doctor stated that because I am 31 years old, protocol is to transfer no more than 2 embryos.  However, if we had 3, she would be reluctant but willing to transfer 3 if it came down to that.  (Note: she seriously doubted we would get 3 with the few eggs we were willing to inseminate!) I did not mention all the signs I was getting about 3!

 

These flowers popped up in March 2014, nothing has grown there since.  I don't have a green thumb!

 

The March birthday card Zach got for me!

From my journal March 9, 2014

In April 2014, we had 2 embryos to transfer, and I was hopeful, but then heartbroken when we found out this was not it.  We were not pregnant.  We took a month off.  During that time, I had a friend come visit me from Colorado.  While she stayed at our house, she had a dream we had triplets.  She told us how her 3-year-old daughter prayed every night for “Haley’s two baby girls.”

There is a pond near our home that we go walking our dog, and there was a momma duck with 3 ducklings. 

In May, we returned to the doctor’s office.  We thawed 4 eggs to then inseminate.  And, low and behold, we had 3 embryos!  On the day of transfer, I could feel the almost ringing of spiritual activity.  (I don’t know how else to describe it!) Our doctor came in the room, and gave us what I would call quite the lecture.  She said we had a 10% chance of having triplets, and then listed all the medical risks involved with having multiples.  She wanted us to freeze one.  I have to admit, I started to doubt our decision for a moment.  But I could not ignore the months full of wondrous signs and words given to us.   “3, 3, 3, 3, 3” kept running through my head!  Zach stood strong behind me.  All three were going in, and God was in charge. 

In the transfer room there are two screens.  One was of my uterus; one was the lab dish with the embryos with “HILTON” written on it.  Because we were breaking protocol, I think our doctor wanted everyone in the office to be present.  It was a crowd! Even at just a few cells, our babies put on a show!  The three tiny circles formed in a triangular position all together, with 2 on the bottom and 1 on top between the “L” and “T.”  Everyone looked at the screen and I could see their mouths drop.  One doctor said, “I have never seen that before!” She looked at me, “It’s like they are making a cheerleader pyramid for you!”

That was a huge moment for me.  I knew we were doing the right thing, no matter what happened, those were my babies!

Things happened quickly after that!

On June 23^rd, 2014, we got the news that we were pregnant!!!! My beta numbers were extremely high. 

On July 14^th, we had our first sonogram.

1st sonogram of babies, 3 strong heartbeats!

On September 26^th, we found out baby A is a boy, and babies B and C are our girls!

I am currently 21 weeks pregnant.  Everyone is healthy, and progressing well! 

Now, the last thing I would ever want is for someone to read this and think that I somehow used Scripture and magically made some sort of spell and predictions to get my babies.  Not at all!  My story is in many ways no different from any other Christian.  My story really begins with repentance.  My life embedded in Christ, is where my life really began.  Repentance that leads to true sorrow for my sin leads straight into true healing because “while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.” I have Jesus’ righteousness clothed around me, so that when I approach the Father with all my fears, desires, and questions, He sees the Son.  I am an heir in Christ! 

Surrendering to God’s will for my life has brought me to this point, and will carry me through motherhood!  May you read this and give all the glory to God our Father!  We thank Him for medical science, we thank Him for the doctors and lab workers, we thank Him for the faithful prayers of others on our behalf, and we thank Him for these new little lives!  The Lord  God has truly done this for me!   Blessed be His Name!

Surviving Mother's Day

I have been battling infertility for over 3 years now.  A friend of mine asked me this week in what way she can support me for the upcoming holiday? Mother's Day.  She sent me a link to a helpful blog post of facts vs. myths of infertility, and especially how churches can help rather than hurt the mommies- in- waiting on this Sunday.   It is helpful for those loved ones who want to know how to respond to those of us who are 'fertility challenged' or as I call us, 'moms in the making.'  http://blogs.bible.org/tapestry/sandra_glahn/prep_for_mothers_day_infertility_facts__some_advice_


But it made me think about how I cannot control what others think or say, and I know people never are trying to be ugly.  I needed something for myself, my own survival guide to this Day.  My theme verse for this blog, the verse that quickly and repeatedly comes to mind, is John 14:27.  Jesus told his disciples:

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you.  I do not give to you as the world gives.  Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." 

Let me be clear, mothers deserve this day in the sun!  They deserve special recognition for all they do and provide!  However, while the world sings praises and accolades to our fertile friends and those veteran women bearing the battle scars from their past war against infertility, we are viewed as the poor ladies to feel sorry for.  While the former receives flowers, and showered with gifts from children and dads, we receive the sad, pathetic looks of "maybe next year, honey."

That is what the world gives.  BUT PRAISE GOD, that is NOT what HE gives!



1. EVERYTHING starts with your thought life! It all starts there.  THINK about what you are thinking about.  Scripture tells us to take every thought captive, not to be bullied around by them or believe it is true just because you think it.  Think of the source, and then decide if it is true or not.  Hint: Most of my feelings and emotions at this point are highly deceptive!  Most of the time, I can feel forgotten, barren, and that something is wrong with me and me and Zach.  But, I know based on evidence of God's word to me, that how I feel is not always true.  God says, (and I am paraphrasing here) He thinks more thoughts toward me than grains of sand on the earth, that He leaves no woman barren, and that He created me in His image and likeness, so how could there be something wrong with me?  (Note: I am not talking about sinlessness, no, I am a sinner made righteous only by Jesus' work on the cross, but I am talking about something different here- that I am somehow defective or 'being punished' is untrue)

2.  God has shown us clearly that those of us in Christ share in a lineage of women, deemed infertile by society and by all appearances to be barren, but He HONORED, Yes God honored, these women by placing their names and personal stories in the most read book in the world today.  The Bible accounts at least five women (maybe more-it could be argued that Ruth and Esther struggled with infertility) by name.  Sarah, Rebekah, Rachel, Hannah, and Elizabeth. These women are heroins to both Jews and Christians. All of these women have their personal faith stories told, and their children become highly important in the historical account of our faith.  Their children grow up and lead God's people in mighty ways.  God has a funny way of lifting up and honoring the folks that everyone in the world would look down on or feel sorry for.  And as I look around me, I can see He is doing the same today.  My story may not be in a book everyone is reading, but God sees.  And I view it as an honor and privalege to suffer in this way for God's glory.  I pray it does bring Him the glory.

3.  Remember what God has done for me in the past, and look forward to the future.  God lifted me out of darkness into the light. I was lost, but now I am found.  I was blind, but now I see! While assurance of my salvation is incomparable, God loves to bless His children here on earth! I prayed for a good husband, and he hand delivered the Zachster. hehe.  I believe based on this and based on His word, that He is setting things up to deliver me from childlessness. In our instant gratification mode of life, 3+ years sounds unbearably long.  It can feel that way.  Again, it can definitely feel that way, and I acknowledge those feelings but I don't allow them to take me down.  At least not for long.  Be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.

4.  Count your blessings.  A friend of Zach's commented on a picture of us in Cancun recently, "business must be good." Yes.  Actually.  Business is good.  We are blessed with good financial security at the present time.  We get to enjoy a few luxuries in life.  I have a FANTASTIC husband!  Ya'll, just, yeah, he is my true love.  We have great family, great friends.

So how can I feel sorry for myself??

5. Last, remember others.  I pray for other people in their struggles.  Everyone is dealing with something difficult, and if you are not, just wait.  Our struggle is infertility.  For others, it might be a marriage falling apart, or joblessness or financial struggles, or health problems or loneliness. These are real things and big things.  Getting outside of myself is sometimes the best thing I can do for myself, if that makes sense.  God calls us to love others. Love is a verb.  Whether it's bringing a meal to a family or praying for someone, it is something I actively do that is not about me and my next medical treatment, nutritional supplement, time of the month, or whatever.  In a world covered with thoughts and activities of fertility and wanting my children sometimes the best thing to do is step outside of that world into someone else's.    (And, also celebrate other's good news, blessings, and joys!)


6. Oh yeah, and I told Zach he can get me flowers!

So back to John 14:27.  If we study the verse, what Jesus says is, He gives us peace-not what the world gives-but what He gives.  And I am not to be troubled or afraid.  My prayer is you experience that same peace.

"Trust Me with Your Isaac" A poem by Beth Moore

Trust Me with Your Isaac

Copyright 2013 Beth Moore

For every Abraham who dares

to kiss the foreign field

where glory for a moment grasped 

Is for a lifetime tilled…

The voice of God 

speaks not but once

but 'til the traveler hears 

"Abraham! Abraham! Bring your 

Isaac here!"

"Bring not the blemished sacrifice.

What lovest thou the most?

Look not into the distance, 

you'll find your Isaac close." 

"I hear the tearing of your heart

torn between two loves, 

the one your vision can behold 

the Other hid above." 

"Do you trust me, Abraham

with your gravest fear?

Will you pry your fingers loose

and bring your Isaac here?" 

"Have I not made you promises? 

Hold them tight instead!

I am the Lover of your soul-

the Lifter of your head." 

"Believe me, O my Abraham

when blinded by the cost.

Arrange the wooded altar

and count your gains but loss." 

"Let tears wash clean your blinded eyes 

until unveiled you see-

the ram caught in the thicket there

to set your Isaac free." 

"Perhaps I'll send him down the mount

to walk right by your side. 

No longer in your iron grasp

but safer still in mine. "

"Or I may wrap him in the wind

and sweep him from your sight

to better things beyond your reach-

believe with all your might!"

"Look up, beloved Abraham.

Can you count the stars?

Multitudes will stand to reap

from one dear friend of God."

"Pass the test, my faithful one;

bow to me as LORD.

Trust me with your Isaac-

see,

I am your great Reward." 

Shake 'n' bake!

Please pray for our IUI on Thursday!  It's shake 'n' bake time!

Umm...It's montage time..

This month marks 3 years of infertility.  I don't believe infertility is directly from God, because God gives only good gifts to His children, but I do believe He has used these past 3 years without child to give me the greatest gift of all.  More of Himself.   

From the first year, when I screamed, "Father God, what are you doing?  Why?" And He pointed me directly to Jesus in the Garden, crying out for this cup to be taken from Him.  You, my daughter, are getting to know my Son more deeply.  

 And the life, the fullness of Christ's presence, God poured into me, welling up inside me!  

To the failed IUIs when the Holy Spirit of God, my Helper, counseled me: "My grace is sufficient for you, My power is made perfect in your weakness." That verse became way more real for me, and it continues to be a precious gift of God's promise. 

To having the ability and openness in going to India to serve His people there, and experience another country, learn how God's light is shining all over the world in the midst of darkness.

To the most recent:   The desire you have to hold your baby in your arms, is the desire I had as I waited for you to run into my arms.  God longs for us!  His love for His children is like a deep ache, that I will never fully comprehend, but now I have such an experience of that longing.

And so many priceless lessons in between that I would not give back, ever.  

This week, I began a 40 day journey.  A fast, of sorts.  I have been feeling God's pull for me to give up caffeine.  Completely.  Some of you might say if that was something you needed to do, then why have you waited this long? Well, maybe I am not as strong or faithful as you are.  There is no guarantee that this change will result in pregnancy.  In fact, medically speaking, it has nothing to do with it.

In reality, this journey is about an attitude adjustment for me.

Romans 12:1 directs us to give our bodies to God, and that is what I am doing here.

Our couples small group is studying the prophet Jonah, you know, the one with the whale?

It wasn't so much Jonah, it was the people of Nineveh that caught my attention.  The Ninevites were scary folks.  Historically known as violent, prideful people.  When Jonah walked into their city the first day to warn them of God's pending wrath and over-throw of their great city, it says, "The Ninevites believed God.  They declared a fast, and all of them, from the greatest to the least, put on sackcloth."(v5) 

In short, they humbled themselves, repented, and fasted.  The king declares in verse 9, "Who knows?  God may yet relent and with compassion turn from his fierce anger so that we will not perish." 

I want to reiterate that I know our infertility is not a punishment or God's wrath.  But what stands out to me, is these people had no idea if all the fasting and sackclothing was going to change things, but they did it anyway.  In both situations, God is in control, God is on His throne and He rightly deserves all the glory! God had compassion on the Ninevites, and He changed their fate, God wants to pour out His  love and mercy on us, and it always brings life.

My sweet, dear friend, Sarah shared with Zach and I that she gave up Dr. Peppers (which she loves!) and every time she wants one she told us she prays for us to have a baby! I couldn't believe someone would do that for us!

So, it's go time.  It's time for Satan to back off! I am following the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Joseph! The God man who is Jesus who came in flesh, died for me, and then physically, biologically, heart and blood began to pump again, and once was dead but is now alive!  The God who raised Lazarus from the dead, who healed person after person and so many throughout history!  He is healing us now, and I believe He will make Zach and I well and He will fill our house with children!


 Daniel 3:17-18 "If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and he will rescue us from your hand, O king.  But even if he does not,  O king, we want you to know, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you set up." 

There is a popular song out right now by Natalie Grant some of the lyrics go:

I will stubble, I will fall down, but I will not be moved.
I will make mistakes, I will face heartache, but I will not be moved!
On Christ the Solid Rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand!
I will not be moved!

Stand back, it's montage time... not sure it will wrap up in the course of one song though!  So, hang in there with me!

Moms-in-the-Making

A week from today, we leave for India!  This summer of preparations has been a time of powerful growth for me in my personal walk with Christ.  

I had the pleasure of joining a summer support group, we call ourselves, "Moms-in-the-Making."  It has been something I look forward to every week, and I know I will miss it come this fall.  I am grateful for our facebook group updates!

The girls have lifted me up, renewing my heart with God's word: washing over me and refreshing me.  They have given me the courage and strength to accomplish some practical things like significantly reduce my caffeine intake and begin workouts with a personal trainer to get my body healthier.  I know that when I do get pregnant, my body will be more prepared!  And I feel a hope and peace that I did not feel before.

My friend from Colorado texted me this verse: Acts 1:8 "Jesus said you will be my witnesses to the ends of the earth." 

Praying for Zach and I as we prepare for India! 

I can't wait to learn from the people we are going to meet over there!  Experience a different culture, and what God is doing and how Jesus is being proclaimed in a country where Christianity is a small minority as opposed to here in the US where there seems to be a church on every corner.  

Tonight we meet with our team to discuss details of the trip!  

I am just singing praises to my God today!  

"My God is so BIG! So strong and so mighty, there's nothing my God cannot do!"

Elizabeth and Zechariah

This is taped to the mirror of my dresser in my bedroom.  If you look on the upper right hand corner you will see the date that I printed it was 4/3/12.  I have looked at it for over a year now to remind me of where my hope comes from.

While I did not include them in my "Ode to Infertile Couples", Elizabeth and Zechariah are my favorite.

Luke 1:6-7
"Both of them were upright in the sight of God, observing all the Lord's commandments and regulations blamelessly.  But they had no children.."

I have long since determined that our infertility is not a punishment from God, and this couple helped me to see that truth.

I wonder if Luke's account of the Gospel included this to verify that it wasn't because this couple was doing something wrong.  Because I am pretty sure that Elizabeth got all sorts of advice from onlooking, well-meaning friends and family.

Elizabeth says in Luke 1:25

"The Lord has done this for me," she said.  "In these days he has shown his favor and taken away my disgrace among the people." 

That was when she was pregnant with John the Baptist.

For me, right now, I feel I am in the thick of ' my disgrace among the people' and these days, I do not see God's favor so much.


But along side my heartbreak comes many praises.  Right now as I type this blog, Butters is looking adorable as she snaps at a fly teasing her.  My loving husband is on his way home for dinner, and the season finale of 'The Office' is coming on. And exciting things coming up that I am looking forward to.  I praise God and thank Him that we have many travel plans this summer!  At the end of this month, Zach and I are going to Cancun to relax on the beach and celebrate my cousin's wedding with family!  I can't wait to see them!  Thank you, LORD that Atticus is coming to visit at the end of June and we get to go to Seattle in July!

In August, we will venture to India on a trip that I feel will be life changing for Zach and I.  I don't know what God has in store, but He has it all planned out.

I saw a video the other day of Christians in China, who were receiving their own personal Bibles for the first time.  How excited they were!  I take for granted sometimes that because of stories like Job, Elizabeth and Zechariah, Hannah, Sarah and Abraham I have the privilege of reading about and knowing that there is nothing new going on here.  God has it all under His control, He is using it, and I can rest in that fact.