Future

This week, we are doing our second IUI.  Talking to the doctor, looked a little something like this....

With all the test results in full view, the doctor said we can go forward with this next IUI, but that after this she does not recommend any more.  This one she gave us a 1-5%.... ish chance. This was a huge blow.   We really had just gotten it in our heads that IUI was going to be the procedure for us.

Our response?  A bit like Lloyd here.  We are hopeful for Friday's IUI.  But we also are trusting God for the future of our family.  Today's Jesus Calling  was perfect for me today.

"I am leading you, step by step, through your life.  Hold My hand in trusting dependence, letting Me guide you through this day.  Your future looks uncertain and fells flimsy-even precarious.  That is how it should be.  Secret things belong to the Lord, and future things are secret things.  When you try to figure out the future, you are grasping at things that are Mine.  This, like all forms of worry, is an act of rebellion: doubting My promises to care for you.  
Whenever you find yourself worrying about the future, repent and return to Me.  I will show you the next step forward, and the one after that, and the one after that.  Relax and enjoy the journey in My Presence, trusting Me to open up the way before you as you go." 

(Deuteronomy 29:29; Psalm 32:8) 

Funny how this works...

Even though today is February 21, I turned to February 23 in the Jesus Calling book today.  Guess God knew I needed to read this one a day early.


"Be on guard against the pit of self-pity.  When you are weary or unwell, this demonic trap is the greatest danger you face.  Don't even go near the edge of the pit.  Its edges crumble easily, and before you know it, you are on the way down.  It is ever so much harder to get out of the pit than to keep a safe distance from it.  That is why I tell you to be on guard.  
There are several ways to protect yourself from self-pity.  When you are occupied with praising and thanking Me, it is impossible to feel sorry for yourself.  Also, the closer you live to Me, the more distance there is between you and the pit.  Live in the Light of My Presence by fixing your eyes on Me.  Then you will be able to run with endurance the race that is set before you, without stumbling or falling.  "

(Psalm 89:15-16; Hebrews 12:1-2)


Yesterday, we found out that my siscuz (like a sister, but really a cousin, we made it up when we were 8 and it stuck), Abean (Adrienne), is having a baby boy!  I am honestly excited for her.  And excited to be a auntcuz!  When I told Zach about it, he asked, "If you could choose, what would you rather, have a boy or a girl?"

That was hard to answer.

"I feel like that question is a luxury we can not afford right now." I replied.

It feels like someone asking me if I would like my personal jet to color coordinate with my yacht.

Questions like how many children do you want?  Or, wouldn't you rather get pregnant so the baby is born after the cut off date for school enrollment?  Yeah, like I have any control over these things at this point.

I am not saying all this to invoke pity, or that I feel sorry for myself, I just am realizing how my expectations have changed and really how much I need God in all this.

My friend, Taneal sent me the perfect verse.

2 Corinthians 4:17-18

"For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen.  For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." 

Today, I am having a hysterosalpingogram (HSG) procedure.  The doctor injects blue ink into my uterus and then takes an x-ray.  It may help with fertility too.  It is a slightly uncomfortable procedure.  I doubt Paul was thinking of HSG when he wrote about 'light and momentary troubles' to the Corinthians, but I believe God is achieving His eternal glory in all this.  And that gives me joy.  Today, I feel joy that God is working in me!

A Rant Circle to Dependence

Jesus Calling February 17

"I am the Risen One who shines upon you always.  You worship a living Deity, not some idolatrous, man-made image.  Your relationship with Me is meant to be vibrant and challenging, as I invade more and more areas of your life.  Do not fear change, for I am making you a new creation, with old things passing away and new things continually on the horizon.  When you cling to old ways and sameness, you resist My work within you.  I want you to embrace all that I am doing in your life, finding your security in Me alone."

"It is easy to make an idol of routine, finding security within the boundaries you build around your life.  Although each day contains twenty-four hours, every single one presents a unique set of circumstances. Don't try to force-fit today into yesterday's mold.  Instead, ask Me to open your eyes, so you can find all I have prepared for you in this precious day of Life."


Everytime I sit in the waiting room with my sisters in the battle of infertility, I am blown away.  I am in awe each time by the fact that there are always at least 5-10 other women and couples alongside me.  It shocks me each time, and I am not exactly sure why.  It is never the same women, it is always different faces.  There are so many of us!

I cannot help but think of some disturbing things.  Everytime I sit there and look at the faces and politely smile (or stare at my iphone), I picture the waiting room of a Planned Parenthood somewhere in Dallas. I can't seem to help it. I wonder how many women are sitting in there this moment.  And I get angry... I mean, real angry.  What the heck is going on here?? God, you got things mixed up! Why is it that people will argue in politics about women's rights to choose when they will have a family and not think of us?! God, there is a mismatch!  I think of all the women who are not in this clinic waiting room because they could never afford the tests and procedures.  Where is their funding??  My insurance covers 0% of anything with the lable "fertility treatment."  I sometimes have a huge urge to just approach a woman walking into an abortion clinic and beg her to please have the baby and let me take him.  I picture this and I am on my knees.  This is not fair!  This is not FAIR!! Yes, yes, I hear some of your thoughts that "maybe you and Zach should just think about adoption."  Believe me, that option is not any easier, cheaper, less time consuming, or heartbreaking.  I know from watching other families it is more of each.  And we may be there some day, even if we do have our own children. 

But right at this moment that God has given me, I am hurting.  I am questioning myself in everything.  At this point, I feel like I have so much going for me and so many blessings along with this gaping hole.  Maybe if things were too perfect, I would not long for God so much?  I feel Him working, and I do see a faint light at the end of this fertility challenged tunnel.  But it stings right now.

I am thanking God for the "fleas." 

In the story of Holocaust surviver and author Corrie Ten Boom The Hiding Place Corrie and her sister, Betsie were in a consentration camp.  Corrie and Betsie prayed to God every night, and her sister always insisted that they thanked God for everything.  The women's cabin had a huge infestation of fleas.
 Betsie prayed, "And thank you God, for the fleas."

Out of obedience, to thank God in all circumstances.

Corrie said, "What? No! This is terrible, we don't need to thank God for the fleas!"

But she insisted.  The two ladies were able to hide a Bible, and told the other women about Jesus, and shared the Gospel with them.  The women were all encouraged and many gave their hearts to Jesus Christ. 

Betsie did not survive to the end of the war.  But Corrie found out later that the reason they were able to have the Bible studies and talk with the women in the cabin was because the gaurds did not want to get the fleas on them!  The gaurds were so discusted by the fleas that none of them would go in to stop them! 

So last night, I prayed with Zach, and I thanked God that the IUI did not work this time.  Because I don't know what He is working, but I believe He is using it. 

Romans 8:28
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

Lent like a Hammock

My favorite time of the year is coming up.  No, not necessarily Valentine's Day or my birthday (although, yeah, those celebrations are great too!) No, the Lenten season is upon us.  Like Advent, it is another time in the Christian calendar year of waiting.  But unlike Advent for two important reasons.


First, during Lent we are not bombarded with media and commercials telling us we better purchase the right gifts and decorations and food for the up coming Holiday.  No, the only real difference I notice after Ash Wednesday is more fish sandwich commercials by my favorite fast food restaurants catering to those eating fish on Fridays.  Maybe the occasional Easter Bunny themed commercial later on in March and April.  Lent is not that marketed, and so it feels like more of a calm, somber time.


 Second, while Advent celebrates the waiting for celebrating Jesus' birthday and coming to earth in the form of a helpless baby (and yes, I know, historically speaking Jesus was most likely born in the spring time and not on December 25th, it is just when we celebrate it.) Lent celebrates the waiting for the entire reason why we even know this carpenter from Nazareth!  The Great I AM Himself, laid down His life for you and me so that we might become His righteousness (Romans 5:22) !  And not only that, but after he died, His physical body and spirit, He returned to life!  Sometimes I just cannot wrap my head around that.  I mean, dead, cold and dead and gone and 3 days later completely restored and breathing and walking and eating!  It is hard to believe that one day, Jesus will return (Acts 1:11).


It is hard to believe, and sometimes I doubt.  That's when I ask, "Lord, I believe, help my unbelief!" I am so glad that man said that to Jesus, cause it gives me permission to say it too (Mark 9:24).


What does it mean to "believe" here?  "For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whom ever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life." (John 3:16)

I heard a story about some missionaries in a remote tribal area in Columbia.  The missionaries got to know the people, lived among them, and began to learn their language.  At one of the many tribal counsel meetings, the chief wanted to understand the John 3:16 verse.  The missionaries were struggling to describe in their language what "believe" meant.  Finally, one of the missionaries pointed up at the hammocks in the trees.  This particular tribe of people all slept each night high up in the trees in hammocks.  He asked, "Do you believe the hammock will hold you?  All of your body weight?"  They didn't have to say more to explain, because the people understood.  It is one thing to say, "Yeah, that hammock could hold me." And it is another thing to climb into the hammock and trust it to hold your entire body.

I like this idea of a hammock because I associate hammocks with relaxing.  And that is what Jesus calls us to.  To come and rest in Him.  Trust Him to hold us.

Matthew 11:28 "Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." 

For me, Lent 2013 feels like a hammock.  Jesus is wrapping His arms around me, reminding me how much He loves me, and it gives me the strength I need to live for Him and invite others into, as our church says, the unexpected joy of desperate dependence on Him.

Seekers Panel

I really appreciated a facebook friend of mine sharing the video of her church this weekend of a discussion panel with people who consider themselves 'spiritual seekers' and not Christians.  I learned alot from these 3 people and the pastor asked some really great questions. It is about 48 minutes long.

http://vimeo.com/58892397