Jesus Calling February 17
"I am the Risen One who shines upon you always. You worship a living Deity, not some idolatrous, man-made image. Your relationship with Me is meant to be vibrant and challenging, as I invade more and more areas of your life. Do not fear change, for I am making you a new creation, with old things passing away and new things continually on the horizon. When you cling to old ways and sameness, you resist My work within you. I want you to embrace all that I am doing in your life, finding your security in Me alone."
"It is easy to make an idol of routine, finding security within the boundaries you build around your life. Although each day contains twenty-four hours, every single one presents a unique set of circumstances. Don't try to force-fit today into yesterday's mold. Instead, ask Me to open your eyes, so you can find all I have prepared for you in this precious day of Life."
Everytime I sit in the waiting room with my sisters in the battle of infertility, I am blown away. I am in awe each time by the fact that there are always at least 5-10 other women and couples alongside me. It shocks me each time, and I am not exactly sure why. It is never the same women, it is always different faces. There are so many of us!
I cannot help but think of some disturbing things. Everytime I sit there and look at the faces and politely smile (or stare at my iphone), I picture the waiting room of a Planned Parenthood somewhere in Dallas. I can't seem to help it. I wonder how many women are sitting in there this moment. And I get angry... I mean, real angry. What the heck is going on here?? God, you got things mixed up! Why is it that people will argue in politics about women's rights to choose when they will have a family and not think of us?! God, there is a mismatch! I think of all the women who are not in this clinic waiting room because they could never afford the tests and procedures. Where is their funding?? My insurance covers 0% of anything with the lable "fertility treatment." I sometimes have a huge urge to just approach a woman walking into an abortion clinic and beg her to please have the baby and let me take him. I picture this and I am on my knees. This is not fair! This is not FAIR!! Yes, yes, I hear some of your thoughts that "maybe you and Zach should just think about adoption." Believe me, that option is not any easier, cheaper, less time consuming, or heartbreaking. I know from watching other families it is more of each. And we may be there some day, even if we do have our own children.
But right at this moment that God has given me, I am hurting. I am questioning myself in everything. At this point, I feel like I have so much going for me and so many blessings along with this gaping hole. Maybe if things were too perfect, I would not long for God so much? I feel Him working, and I do see a faint light at the end of this fertility challenged tunnel. But it stings right now.
I am thanking God for the "fleas."
In the story of Holocaust surviver and author Corrie Ten Boom The Hiding Place Corrie and her sister, Betsie were in a consentration camp. Corrie and Betsie prayed to God every night, and her sister always insisted that they thanked God for everything. The women's cabin had a huge infestation of fleas.
Betsie prayed, "And thank you God, for the fleas."
Out of obedience, to thank God in all circumstances.
Corrie said, "What? No! This is terrible, we don't need to thank God for the fleas!"
But she insisted. The two ladies were able to hide a Bible, and told the other women about Jesus, and shared the Gospel with them. The women were all encouraged and many gave their hearts to Jesus Christ.
Betsie did not survive to the end of the war. But Corrie found out later that the reason they were able to have the Bible studies and talk with the women in the cabin was because the gaurds did not want to get the fleas on them! The gaurds were so discusted by the fleas that none of them would go in to stop them!
So last night, I prayed with Zach, and I thanked God that the IUI did not work this time. Because I don't know what He is working, but I believe He is using it.
Romans 8:28
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."
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