Audiam vocal eius- a guide through the events leading to my babies

The title, "Audiam vocal eius, " is Latin for "I listen to His voice." Psalm 119:105 is a well-known verse, “Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path.” Nothing better describes the role of God’s word, His voice, during my 3 ½ year journey from infertility to a healthy pregnancy of multiples! 

This has been taped to my mirror since April 2012.

This has been on our living room table since April 2012.

After Zach and I married, we both knew we wanted children and saw no reason to wait, but God had other plans as He often does.  After almost a year of trying, we went to a fertility doctor to start the testing process and the best ways to approach our issues.   The first thing suggested to us was timed ovulation with a trigger shot for me to ovulate.  After that did not work, we moved on to IUIs.  After 2 of those did not work, we took a break.  During this time, the Lord was so merciful to us.  We were surrounded with friends who understood, who kindly sympathized, and prayed with us.  I joined with Caroline Harris for Mom’s In the Making.  It was there that I discovered what the Bible says about fertility, how God loves to bless His children, and that He wants us to ‘be fruitful and multiply’.  During this time, I had several visions of my children.  Two visions specifically. There were always three children the same age, 2 girls and 1 boy, playing in my kitchen and in the other one they were playing outside.  I had a good friend tell me she had a dream and felt strongly I was going to have triplets.  I was not sure exactly what to think at this point, I just knew that God was going to give us children in His time.  I got the courage to return to the doctor, and try IUIs again.  After those failed, we began to consider IVF.  To this point, we had felt wary of this procedure.  IVF is much more intense than IUIs, more time, more money, more shots, and also, more ethical decision-making.  Every couple that decides to try IVF must make these decisions for themselves.  Thankfully, we went to a doctor that was able and willing to freeze eggs (or oocytes) our goal was to transfer all embryos to my uterus, as opposed to freezing embryos.  Again, after our research and prayer, this was the plan we came up with and every couple is different.  Because we wanted to transfer all embryos, we took the chance of less success by inseminating very few eggs.  Praise God, we had a successful retrieval.  Our doctor stated that because I am 31 years old, protocol is to transfer no more than 2 embryos.  However, if we had 3, she would be reluctant but willing to transfer 3 if it came down to that.  (Note: she seriously doubted we would get 3 with the few eggs we were willing to inseminate!) I did not mention all the signs I was getting about 3!

 

These flowers popped up in March 2014, nothing has grown there since.  I don't have a green thumb!

 

The March birthday card Zach got for me!

From my journal March 9, 2014

In April 2014, we had 2 embryos to transfer, and I was hopeful, but then heartbroken when we found out this was not it.  We were not pregnant.  We took a month off.  During that time, I had a friend come visit me from Colorado.  While she stayed at our house, she had a dream we had triplets.  She told us how her 3-year-old daughter prayed every night for “Haley’s two baby girls.”

There is a pond near our home that we go walking our dog, and there was a momma duck with 3 ducklings. 

In May, we returned to the doctor’s office.  We thawed 4 eggs to then inseminate.  And, low and behold, we had 3 embryos!  On the day of transfer, I could feel the almost ringing of spiritual activity.  (I don’t know how else to describe it!) Our doctor came in the room, and gave us what I would call quite the lecture.  She said we had a 10% chance of having triplets, and then listed all the medical risks involved with having multiples.  She wanted us to freeze one.  I have to admit, I started to doubt our decision for a moment.  But I could not ignore the months full of wondrous signs and words given to us.   “3, 3, 3, 3, 3” kept running through my head!  Zach stood strong behind me.  All three were going in, and God was in charge. 

In the transfer room there are two screens.  One was of my uterus; one was the lab dish with the embryos with “HILTON” written on it.  Because we were breaking protocol, I think our doctor wanted everyone in the office to be present.  It was a crowd! Even at just a few cells, our babies put on a show!  The three tiny circles formed in a triangular position all together, with 2 on the bottom and 1 on top between the “L” and “T.”  Everyone looked at the screen and I could see their mouths drop.  One doctor said, “I have never seen that before!” She looked at me, “It’s like they are making a cheerleader pyramid for you!”

That was a huge moment for me.  I knew we were doing the right thing, no matter what happened, those were my babies!

Things happened quickly after that!

On June 23^rd, 2014, we got the news that we were pregnant!!!! My beta numbers were extremely high. 

On July 14^th, we had our first sonogram.

1st sonogram of babies, 3 strong heartbeats!

On September 26^th, we found out baby A is a boy, and babies B and C are our girls!

I am currently 21 weeks pregnant.  Everyone is healthy, and progressing well! 

Now, the last thing I would ever want is for someone to read this and think that I somehow used Scripture and magically made some sort of spell and predictions to get my babies.  Not at all!  My story is in many ways no different from any other Christian.  My story really begins with repentance.  My life embedded in Christ, is where my life really began.  Repentance that leads to true sorrow for my sin leads straight into true healing because “while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.” I have Jesus’ righteousness clothed around me, so that when I approach the Father with all my fears, desires, and questions, He sees the Son.  I am an heir in Christ! 

Surrendering to God’s will for my life has brought me to this point, and will carry me through motherhood!  May you read this and give all the glory to God our Father!  We thank Him for medical science, we thank Him for the doctors and lab workers, we thank Him for the faithful prayers of others on our behalf, and we thank Him for these new little lives!  The Lord  God has truly done this for me!   Blessed be His Name!

Surviving Mother's Day

I have been battling infertility for over 3 years now.  A friend of mine asked me this week in what way she can support me for the upcoming holiday? Mother's Day.  She sent me a link to a helpful blog post of facts vs. myths of infertility, and especially how churches can help rather than hurt the mommies- in- waiting on this Sunday.   It is helpful for those loved ones who want to know how to respond to those of us who are 'fertility challenged' or as I call us, 'moms in the making.'  http://blogs.bible.org/tapestry/sandra_glahn/prep_for_mothers_day_infertility_facts__some_advice_


But it made me think about how I cannot control what others think or say, and I know people never are trying to be ugly.  I needed something for myself, my own survival guide to this Day.  My theme verse for this blog, the verse that quickly and repeatedly comes to mind, is John 14:27.  Jesus told his disciples:

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you.  I do not give to you as the world gives.  Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." 

Let me be clear, mothers deserve this day in the sun!  They deserve special recognition for all they do and provide!  However, while the world sings praises and accolades to our fertile friends and those veteran women bearing the battle scars from their past war against infertility, we are viewed as the poor ladies to feel sorry for.  While the former receives flowers, and showered with gifts from children and dads, we receive the sad, pathetic looks of "maybe next year, honey."

That is what the world gives.  BUT PRAISE GOD, that is NOT what HE gives!



1. EVERYTHING starts with your thought life! It all starts there.  THINK about what you are thinking about.  Scripture tells us to take every thought captive, not to be bullied around by them or believe it is true just because you think it.  Think of the source, and then decide if it is true or not.  Hint: Most of my feelings and emotions at this point are highly deceptive!  Most of the time, I can feel forgotten, barren, and that something is wrong with me and me and Zach.  But, I know based on evidence of God's word to me, that how I feel is not always true.  God says, (and I am paraphrasing here) He thinks more thoughts toward me than grains of sand on the earth, that He leaves no woman barren, and that He created me in His image and likeness, so how could there be something wrong with me?  (Note: I am not talking about sinlessness, no, I am a sinner made righteous only by Jesus' work on the cross, but I am talking about something different here- that I am somehow defective or 'being punished' is untrue)

2.  God has shown us clearly that those of us in Christ share in a lineage of women, deemed infertile by society and by all appearances to be barren, but He HONORED, Yes God honored, these women by placing their names and personal stories in the most read book in the world today.  The Bible accounts at least five women (maybe more-it could be argued that Ruth and Esther struggled with infertility) by name.  Sarah, Rebekah, Rachel, Hannah, and Elizabeth. These women are heroins to both Jews and Christians. All of these women have their personal faith stories told, and their children become highly important in the historical account of our faith.  Their children grow up and lead God's people in mighty ways.  God has a funny way of lifting up and honoring the folks that everyone in the world would look down on or feel sorry for.  And as I look around me, I can see He is doing the same today.  My story may not be in a book everyone is reading, but God sees.  And I view it as an honor and privalege to suffer in this way for God's glory.  I pray it does bring Him the glory.

3.  Remember what God has done for me in the past, and look forward to the future.  God lifted me out of darkness into the light. I was lost, but now I am found.  I was blind, but now I see! While assurance of my salvation is incomparable, God loves to bless His children here on earth! I prayed for a good husband, and he hand delivered the Zachster. hehe.  I believe based on this and based on His word, that He is setting things up to deliver me from childlessness. In our instant gratification mode of life, 3+ years sounds unbearably long.  It can feel that way.  Again, it can definitely feel that way, and I acknowledge those feelings but I don't allow them to take me down.  At least not for long.  Be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.

4.  Count your blessings.  A friend of Zach's commented on a picture of us in Cancun recently, "business must be good." Yes.  Actually.  Business is good.  We are blessed with good financial security at the present time.  We get to enjoy a few luxuries in life.  I have a FANTASTIC husband!  Ya'll, just, yeah, he is my true love.  We have great family, great friends.

So how can I feel sorry for myself??

5. Last, remember others.  I pray for other people in their struggles.  Everyone is dealing with something difficult, and if you are not, just wait.  Our struggle is infertility.  For others, it might be a marriage falling apart, or joblessness or financial struggles, or health problems or loneliness. These are real things and big things.  Getting outside of myself is sometimes the best thing I can do for myself, if that makes sense.  God calls us to love others. Love is a verb.  Whether it's bringing a meal to a family or praying for someone, it is something I actively do that is not about me and my next medical treatment, nutritional supplement, time of the month, or whatever.  In a world covered with thoughts and activities of fertility and wanting my children sometimes the best thing to do is step outside of that world into someone else's.    (And, also celebrate other's good news, blessings, and joys!)


6. Oh yeah, and I told Zach he can get me flowers!

So back to John 14:27.  If we study the verse, what Jesus says is, He gives us peace-not what the world gives-but what He gives.  And I am not to be troubled or afraid.  My prayer is you experience that same peace.

"Trust Me with Your Isaac" A poem by Beth Moore

Trust Me with Your Isaac

Copyright 2013 Beth Moore

For every Abraham who dares

to kiss the foreign field

where glory for a moment grasped 

Is for a lifetime tilled…

The voice of God 

speaks not but once

but 'til the traveler hears 

"Abraham! Abraham! Bring your 

Isaac here!"

"Bring not the blemished sacrifice.

What lovest thou the most?

Look not into the distance, 

you'll find your Isaac close." 

"I hear the tearing of your heart

torn between two loves, 

the one your vision can behold 

the Other hid above." 

"Do you trust me, Abraham

with your gravest fear?

Will you pry your fingers loose

and bring your Isaac here?" 

"Have I not made you promises? 

Hold them tight instead!

I am the Lover of your soul-

the Lifter of your head." 

"Believe me, O my Abraham

when blinded by the cost.

Arrange the wooded altar

and count your gains but loss." 

"Let tears wash clean your blinded eyes 

until unveiled you see-

the ram caught in the thicket there

to set your Isaac free." 

"Perhaps I'll send him down the mount

to walk right by your side. 

No longer in your iron grasp

but safer still in mine. "

"Or I may wrap him in the wind

and sweep him from your sight

to better things beyond your reach-

believe with all your might!"

"Look up, beloved Abraham.

Can you count the stars?

Multitudes will stand to reap

from one dear friend of God."

"Pass the test, my faithful one;

bow to me as LORD.

Trust me with your Isaac-

see,

I am your great Reward." 

Shake 'n' bake!

Please pray for our IUI on Thursday!  It's shake 'n' bake time!

Umm...It's montage time..

This month marks 3 years of infertility.  I don't believe infertility is directly from God, because God gives only good gifts to His children, but I do believe He has used these past 3 years without child to give me the greatest gift of all.  More of Himself.   

From the first year, when I screamed, "Father God, what are you doing?  Why?" And He pointed me directly to Jesus in the Garden, crying out for this cup to be taken from Him.  You, my daughter, are getting to know my Son more deeply.  

 And the life, the fullness of Christ's presence, God poured into me, welling up inside me!  

To the failed IUIs when the Holy Spirit of God, my Helper, counseled me: "My grace is sufficient for you, My power is made perfect in your weakness." That verse became way more real for me, and it continues to be a precious gift of God's promise. 

To having the ability and openness in going to India to serve His people there, and experience another country, learn how God's light is shining all over the world in the midst of darkness.

To the most recent:   The desire you have to hold your baby in your arms, is the desire I had as I waited for you to run into my arms.  God longs for us!  His love for His children is like a deep ache, that I will never fully comprehend, but now I have such an experience of that longing.

And so many priceless lessons in between that I would not give back, ever.  

This week, I began a 40 day journey.  A fast, of sorts.  I have been feeling God's pull for me to give up caffeine.  Completely.  Some of you might say if that was something you needed to do, then why have you waited this long? Well, maybe I am not as strong or faithful as you are.  There is no guarantee that this change will result in pregnancy.  In fact, medically speaking, it has nothing to do with it.

In reality, this journey is about an attitude adjustment for me.

Romans 12:1 directs us to give our bodies to God, and that is what I am doing here.

Our couples small group is studying the prophet Jonah, you know, the one with the whale?

It wasn't so much Jonah, it was the people of Nineveh that caught my attention.  The Ninevites were scary folks.  Historically known as violent, prideful people.  When Jonah walked into their city the first day to warn them of God's pending wrath and over-throw of their great city, it says, "The Ninevites believed God.  They declared a fast, and all of them, from the greatest to the least, put on sackcloth."(v5) 

In short, they humbled themselves, repented, and fasted.  The king declares in verse 9, "Who knows?  God may yet relent and with compassion turn from his fierce anger so that we will not perish." 

I want to reiterate that I know our infertility is not a punishment or God's wrath.  But what stands out to me, is these people had no idea if all the fasting and sackclothing was going to change things, but they did it anyway.  In both situations, God is in control, God is on His throne and He rightly deserves all the glory! God had compassion on the Ninevites, and He changed their fate, God wants to pour out His  love and mercy on us, and it always brings life.

My sweet, dear friend, Sarah shared with Zach and I that she gave up Dr. Peppers (which she loves!) and every time she wants one she told us she prays for us to have a baby! I couldn't believe someone would do that for us!

So, it's go time.  It's time for Satan to back off! I am following the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Joseph! The God man who is Jesus who came in flesh, died for me, and then physically, biologically, heart and blood began to pump again, and once was dead but is now alive!  The God who raised Lazarus from the dead, who healed person after person and so many throughout history!  He is healing us now, and I believe He will make Zach and I well and He will fill our house with children!


 Daniel 3:17-18 "If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and he will rescue us from your hand, O king.  But even if he does not,  O king, we want you to know, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you set up." 

There is a popular song out right now by Natalie Grant some of the lyrics go:

I will stubble, I will fall down, but I will not be moved.
I will make mistakes, I will face heartache, but I will not be moved!
On Christ the Solid Rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand!
I will not be moved!

Stand back, it's montage time... not sure it will wrap up in the course of one song though!  So, hang in there with me!

Moms-in-the-Making

A week from today, we leave for India!  This summer of preparations has been a time of powerful growth for me in my personal walk with Christ.  

I had the pleasure of joining a summer support group, we call ourselves, "Moms-in-the-Making."  It has been something I look forward to every week, and I know I will miss it come this fall.  I am grateful for our facebook group updates!

The girls have lifted me up, renewing my heart with God's word: washing over me and refreshing me.  They have given me the courage and strength to accomplish some practical things like significantly reduce my caffeine intake and begin workouts with a personal trainer to get my body healthier.  I know that when I do get pregnant, my body will be more prepared!  And I feel a hope and peace that I did not feel before.

My friend from Colorado texted me this verse: Acts 1:8 "Jesus said you will be my witnesses to the ends of the earth." 

Praying for Zach and I as we prepare for India! 

I can't wait to learn from the people we are going to meet over there!  Experience a different culture, and what God is doing and how Jesus is being proclaimed in a country where Christianity is a small minority as opposed to here in the US where there seems to be a church on every corner.  

Tonight we meet with our team to discuss details of the trip!  

I am just singing praises to my God today!  

"My God is so BIG! So strong and so mighty, there's nothing my God cannot do!"

Elizabeth and Zechariah

This is taped to the mirror of my dresser in my bedroom.  If you look on the upper right hand corner you will see the date that I printed it was 4/3/12.  I have looked at it for over a year now to remind me of where my hope comes from.

While I did not include them in my "Ode to Infertile Couples", Elizabeth and Zechariah are my favorite.

Luke 1:6-7
"Both of them were upright in the sight of God, observing all the Lord's commandments and regulations blamelessly.  But they had no children.."

I have long since determined that our infertility is not a punishment from God, and this couple helped me to see that truth.

I wonder if Luke's account of the Gospel included this to verify that it wasn't because this couple was doing something wrong.  Because I am pretty sure that Elizabeth got all sorts of advice from onlooking, well-meaning friends and family.

Elizabeth says in Luke 1:25

"The Lord has done this for me," she said.  "In these days he has shown his favor and taken away my disgrace among the people." 

That was when she was pregnant with John the Baptist.

For me, right now, I feel I am in the thick of ' my disgrace among the people' and these days, I do not see God's favor so much.


But along side my heartbreak comes many praises.  Right now as I type this blog, Butters is looking adorable as she snaps at a fly teasing her.  My loving husband is on his way home for dinner, and the season finale of 'The Office' is coming on. And exciting things coming up that I am looking forward to.  I praise God and thank Him that we have many travel plans this summer!  At the end of this month, Zach and I are going to Cancun to relax on the beach and celebrate my cousin's wedding with family!  I can't wait to see them!  Thank you, LORD that Atticus is coming to visit at the end of June and we get to go to Seattle in July!

In August, we will venture to India on a trip that I feel will be life changing for Zach and I.  I don't know what God has in store, but He has it all planned out.

I saw a video the other day of Christians in China, who were receiving their own personal Bibles for the first time.  How excited they were!  I take for granted sometimes that because of stories like Job, Elizabeth and Zechariah, Hannah, Sarah and Abraham I have the privilege of reading about and knowing that there is nothing new going on here.  God has it all under His control, He is using it, and I can rest in that fact.

Childless bubble anyone?

Several weeks ago, as I was sitting in the waiting room at the fertility clinic, a looseleaf handout left on one of the small coffee tables caught my eye.  It must have been left over from December, because the topic was 'Coping with Infertility during the Holiday Season.'

I found the expert's suggestions, well, condescending and when I thought more about it, very alarming.  All under the banner of "self preservation."

Among the counselor's expert advice: 1. Avoid shopping malls and toy stores where you may run into families and small children.  If you MUST buy a gift for a small child, like a niece or nephew, consider buying it online and then having it directly delivered to the child....so you basically won't have to endure the inevitable pain of watching a child joyously opening the gift you picked out??

2. *This really angered me* Avoid going to church services or other events where there may be an "increased emphasis on children." If you "feel you MUST go to church," consider midnight mass or an alternative time when you know there will be less children present.

I stopped reading at that point.

Here is my question: in a world that is increasingly devaluing the precious gift of children, is it really best that I, a childless, mommy wannabe, make an increased effort to isolate myself into a childless bubble??

Allow me to set aside the fact, for a moment, that my job requires me to work with five to eight different children and their families each day.  Is it best for me, and for my community, family, friends, and church to avoid babies and children and their parents because it might make me sad?

Here is our world today.  Since the Roe v. Wade law passed in 1973, over 56 million babies have been killed by abortion in the United States alone (http://www.numberofabortions.com/). Or, to put it in more PC terms, 56 million unwanted pregnancies terminated. There is an increasing effort by the media and Hollywood to objectify young girls, pushing them quickly from childhood innocence into a self conscious adulthood (http://blog.sfgate.com/sfmoms/2013/03/07/clothing-retailers-push-lingerie-on-teens/#4546-7).  The current day sex slave trade turns little children into objects to buy, sell, use, and discard at will (http://love146.org/slavery).  China's one child policy, forcing baby girls, if not aborted, into orphanages (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/One-child_policy).

I could go on, but you get the point.

I have spent time reflecting on my current situation, in light of these issues in our world, and what God has to say about it.  And here are some of my working conclusions.

As I said before, I am a childless- mommy- wannabe, and as such, I believe I have a unique perspective on how valuable and precious children are.  While I do envy the "oh-we-weren't-even-trying-haha-it-just-happened" couples, I also know that they will never really experience what it feels like to long, I mean, really LONG to hold a baby in their arms.  To hang onto God and hope for more time than 9 months.  They don't know what it is to ache for a baby.  To pray on the bedroom floor in tears, "God, bring me my babies!"

Jesus said, 'Let the little children come to me' (Matthew 19:14). Jesus never married and never had children.  But He recognized their value, and He ministered to those families.  He knew, because He was there at the creation, that each child was uniquely made in the image and likeness of God.  Therefore, they are gifts to be treasured.

Just when His disciples were shooing the young ones away, He rebuked his disciples and pulled the children close.

As a Christ follower, I MUST do the same.  I don't believe the best thing for me to do is avoid young children and families.  I think the best thing for me to do is pour myself out as an offering, to keep close to those celebrating their children.  To joyfully celebrate the pregnancies of my friends.  To volunteer at our church nursery, babysit for friends, host a baby shower, and maybe even visit an orphanage in India.  I say this not to bring glory to myself, only to give glory to my God, who poured Himself out for me.  Jesus did so for me, and called me then to 'love the least of these.'

I don't claim to do this perfectly, I have my days of self pity and avoidance, but my life needs to reflect my Savior, so that is what I strive for, not self preservation.

Jesus told us, if we want to save our life, we will end up destroying it, but if we lose our life for His sake and the Gospel, then that is when we will save it. (Mark 8:34-35)

Come and worship

Depressed?  Having trouble putting one foot in front of the other today? Yeah, me too.

Today, this blog is a worship center, and you are welcome to worship the Living God with me.

Matthew 16:24 "If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me." 

Psalm 102:3-4; 12 "For my days are consumed like smoke, And my bones are burned like a hearth. My heart is stricken and withered like grass, So that I forget to eat my bread...But You, O Lord, shall endure forever, And the remembrance of Your name to all generations." 




Ephesians 5:1-2 "Therefore be imitators of God as dear children, and walk in love, as Christ also has loved us and given Himself for us, an offering and a sacrifice to God for a sweet-smelling aroma." 

Ode to Famous Infertile Couples: Part 4

I took Sunday off from this week of daily blogging.  Today, I am returning to the book of Genesis to take a look at another couple who struggled with infertility, but God eventually granted them children.

Isaac, the promised son born to Sarah and Abraham found he and his wife also struggling to get pregnant.


Genesis 25:21

"Isaac prayed to the Lord on behalf of his wife, because she was barren.  The Lord answered his prayer, and his wife Rebekah became pregnant." 


I love this because it not only reminds me that God hears our prayers, but that the power of a husband praying for his wife and a wife praying for her husband, I think, is very powerful.  Zach and I pray together almost every night, and I know that God is moving in our lives because of it.  We sometimes text message each other Bible verses of encouragement, during the work day.  Just saying, "I am praying for you right now!" can be so encouraging.

God instructs us to pray to Him, and I am not exactly sure how it all works in the spiritual world, but I know it is powerful.

I have also been very blessed by friends and family praying hard for us.  Thank you for praying on our behalf.

Ode to Famous Infertile Couples: Part 3

"My heart rejoices in the Lord; My horn is exalted in the Lord.  I smile at my enemies, Because I rejoice in Your salvation.  No one is holy like the Lord, For there is none besides You, Nor is there any rock like our God." (1 Samuel 2:1-2) Hannah's prayer

Hannah and Elkanah, the Old Testament couple who eventually had Samuel.  The first chapter of the first book of Samuel opens with his mother, Hannah, and her hurt and pain in her infertility.

"And she was in bitterness of soul, and prayed to the Lord and wept in anguish." (1 Sam 1:10) 

She prayed so hard and with such emotion at the temple, that the priest, Eli, thought she was drunk! (v.14)

Once Eli reassures her that God has heard her prayer, she is able to "eat and no longer be sad" (v.18)

Hannah's example gives me permission to approach God with all my anger and sadness, and then He always somehow reassures me of His promises.  That He is a God who hears us, and listens.  God loves to bless His children.

Ode to Famous Infertile Couples: Part 2

 I am going to take a break from Biblical couples today.

 I feel like this story is part of my cultural history, in a way.  Being that I am such a TV and movie fan.  I remember watching Superman TV shows and movies as a kid.  I was driving the other day, and this usually overlooked comic book couple came to mind. They provided such reassurance and steadfastness for our lead hero.  I just had to include them in my Ode.

To Martha and Jonathan Kent.

According to Wiki, Martha had always wanted a family.  The Kents led a humble life in the country, and desperately wanted children.  But they never could have any.  Until one day after a meteor shower left an abandoned little baby in a krater on their land.  Martha felt strongly that the baby boy was meant to be their's, and so they raised their adopted son.  Martha and Jonathan taught Clark strong moral values, to be kind, reject evil, and help others in need.  They raised Superman!


I like to think that Superman chose to use his powers for good, were in part credit to the wisdom of his parents.

"Hear, my son, and be wise; And guide your heart in the way." (Proverbs 23:19) 

Ode to Famous Infertile Couples: Part 1

Every day for the next week, I will be honoring well-known couples who suffered from infertility.

I was thinking yesterday, about how when I tell some people about our journey, I am usually sure to tell them that God is working in all of this.  One woman said to me, "Oh, don't worry, God will give you a baby in His time!"

Yes, I know this.  I have faith, that one day, God will grant us children.  But, I also know that God wants us to be grateful for the present moments.  That as a child of God, "chosen and holy" according to Deuteronomy 7:6, I have a long family line to look to and see that we are not experiencing anything new and that God uses infertility to fulfill His great purposes.  He has done so throughout history.

I also recalled, while preparing for this week of 'Ode to Famous Infertile Couples' that the entertainment industry has a way of sprinkling in real life issues into their characters. I will get to those later.

For now, my first couple, Abraham and Sarah.

(Genesis 13- 18) God promised Abraham and Sarah numerous descendants, yet they had no children.  When Sarah became pregnant with Isaac, she was 90 years old!  And Abraham was 100 years old!

How many countless months, and then years, did Sarah think: "Maybe this month?  Maybe this time?" But for her hopes to be dashed.  It got to the point, when physically and medically speaking, to be pregnant was impossible! Sarah laughed when she overheard that she would bear a son (Genesis 18:10-13).  God proved that He controls all things, and He can make the impossible happen.  God made it so there is little room to question His power, and His hand, in establishing His chosen people. You would have to make some pretty huge leaps to try and say that this was not a miracle and required an act of God! Abraham was sure, and had faith that God would fulfill His promise, he was just not sure what it was going to look like.  God did not reveal His plan until the time came.

I know that God is doing a similar thing with me and Zach.  While I hope we will not be 90 or 100 years old!! I do know that God never changes.  I know he uses the weaknesses of his chosen people to demonstrate His glory! In Abraham and Sarah's case, their age.

Future

This week, we are doing our second IUI.  Talking to the doctor, looked a little something like this....

With all the test results in full view, the doctor said we can go forward with this next IUI, but that after this she does not recommend any more.  This one she gave us a 1-5%.... ish chance. This was a huge blow.   We really had just gotten it in our heads that IUI was going to be the procedure for us.

Our response?  A bit like Lloyd here.  We are hopeful for Friday's IUI.  But we also are trusting God for the future of our family.  Today's Jesus Calling  was perfect for me today.

"I am leading you, step by step, through your life.  Hold My hand in trusting dependence, letting Me guide you through this day.  Your future looks uncertain and fells flimsy-even precarious.  That is how it should be.  Secret things belong to the Lord, and future things are secret things.  When you try to figure out the future, you are grasping at things that are Mine.  This, like all forms of worry, is an act of rebellion: doubting My promises to care for you.  
Whenever you find yourself worrying about the future, repent and return to Me.  I will show you the next step forward, and the one after that, and the one after that.  Relax and enjoy the journey in My Presence, trusting Me to open up the way before you as you go." 

(Deuteronomy 29:29; Psalm 32:8) 

Funny how this works...

Even though today is February 21, I turned to February 23 in the Jesus Calling book today.  Guess God knew I needed to read this one a day early.


"Be on guard against the pit of self-pity.  When you are weary or unwell, this demonic trap is the greatest danger you face.  Don't even go near the edge of the pit.  Its edges crumble easily, and before you know it, you are on the way down.  It is ever so much harder to get out of the pit than to keep a safe distance from it.  That is why I tell you to be on guard.  
There are several ways to protect yourself from self-pity.  When you are occupied with praising and thanking Me, it is impossible to feel sorry for yourself.  Also, the closer you live to Me, the more distance there is between you and the pit.  Live in the Light of My Presence by fixing your eyes on Me.  Then you will be able to run with endurance the race that is set before you, without stumbling or falling.  "

(Psalm 89:15-16; Hebrews 12:1-2)


Yesterday, we found out that my siscuz (like a sister, but really a cousin, we made it up when we were 8 and it stuck), Abean (Adrienne), is having a baby boy!  I am honestly excited for her.  And excited to be a auntcuz!  When I told Zach about it, he asked, "If you could choose, what would you rather, have a boy or a girl?"

That was hard to answer.

"I feel like that question is a luxury we can not afford right now." I replied.

It feels like someone asking me if I would like my personal jet to color coordinate with my yacht.

Questions like how many children do you want?  Or, wouldn't you rather get pregnant so the baby is born after the cut off date for school enrollment?  Yeah, like I have any control over these things at this point.

I am not saying all this to invoke pity, or that I feel sorry for myself, I just am realizing how my expectations have changed and really how much I need God in all this.

My friend, Taneal sent me the perfect verse.

2 Corinthians 4:17-18

"For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen.  For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." 

Today, I am having a hysterosalpingogram (HSG) procedure.  The doctor injects blue ink into my uterus and then takes an x-ray.  It may help with fertility too.  It is a slightly uncomfortable procedure.  I doubt Paul was thinking of HSG when he wrote about 'light and momentary troubles' to the Corinthians, but I believe God is achieving His eternal glory in all this.  And that gives me joy.  Today, I feel joy that God is working in me!

A Rant Circle to Dependence

Jesus Calling February 17

"I am the Risen One who shines upon you always.  You worship a living Deity, not some idolatrous, man-made image.  Your relationship with Me is meant to be vibrant and challenging, as I invade more and more areas of your life.  Do not fear change, for I am making you a new creation, with old things passing away and new things continually on the horizon.  When you cling to old ways and sameness, you resist My work within you.  I want you to embrace all that I am doing in your life, finding your security in Me alone."

"It is easy to make an idol of routine, finding security within the boundaries you build around your life.  Although each day contains twenty-four hours, every single one presents a unique set of circumstances. Don't try to force-fit today into yesterday's mold.  Instead, ask Me to open your eyes, so you can find all I have prepared for you in this precious day of Life."


Everytime I sit in the waiting room with my sisters in the battle of infertility, I am blown away.  I am in awe each time by the fact that there are always at least 5-10 other women and couples alongside me.  It shocks me each time, and I am not exactly sure why.  It is never the same women, it is always different faces.  There are so many of us!

I cannot help but think of some disturbing things.  Everytime I sit there and look at the faces and politely smile (or stare at my iphone), I picture the waiting room of a Planned Parenthood somewhere in Dallas. I can't seem to help it. I wonder how many women are sitting in there this moment.  And I get angry... I mean, real angry.  What the heck is going on here?? God, you got things mixed up! Why is it that people will argue in politics about women's rights to choose when they will have a family and not think of us?! God, there is a mismatch!  I think of all the women who are not in this clinic waiting room because they could never afford the tests and procedures.  Where is their funding??  My insurance covers 0% of anything with the lable "fertility treatment."  I sometimes have a huge urge to just approach a woman walking into an abortion clinic and beg her to please have the baby and let me take him.  I picture this and I am on my knees.  This is not fair!  This is not FAIR!! Yes, yes, I hear some of your thoughts that "maybe you and Zach should just think about adoption."  Believe me, that option is not any easier, cheaper, less time consuming, or heartbreaking.  I know from watching other families it is more of each.  And we may be there some day, even if we do have our own children. 

But right at this moment that God has given me, I am hurting.  I am questioning myself in everything.  At this point, I feel like I have so much going for me and so many blessings along with this gaping hole.  Maybe if things were too perfect, I would not long for God so much?  I feel Him working, and I do see a faint light at the end of this fertility challenged tunnel.  But it stings right now.

I am thanking God for the "fleas." 

In the story of Holocaust surviver and author Corrie Ten Boom The Hiding Place Corrie and her sister, Betsie were in a consentration camp.  Corrie and Betsie prayed to God every night, and her sister always insisted that they thanked God for everything.  The women's cabin had a huge infestation of fleas.
 Betsie prayed, "And thank you God, for the fleas."

Out of obedience, to thank God in all circumstances.

Corrie said, "What? No! This is terrible, we don't need to thank God for the fleas!"

But she insisted.  The two ladies were able to hide a Bible, and told the other women about Jesus, and shared the Gospel with them.  The women were all encouraged and many gave their hearts to Jesus Christ. 

Betsie did not survive to the end of the war.  But Corrie found out later that the reason they were able to have the Bible studies and talk with the women in the cabin was because the gaurds did not want to get the fleas on them!  The gaurds were so discusted by the fleas that none of them would go in to stop them! 

So last night, I prayed with Zach, and I thanked God that the IUI did not work this time.  Because I don't know what He is working, but I believe He is using it. 

Romans 8:28
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

Lent like a Hammock

My favorite time of the year is coming up.  No, not necessarily Valentine's Day or my birthday (although, yeah, those celebrations are great too!) No, the Lenten season is upon us.  Like Advent, it is another time in the Christian calendar year of waiting.  But unlike Advent for two important reasons.


First, during Lent we are not bombarded with media and commercials telling us we better purchase the right gifts and decorations and food for the up coming Holiday.  No, the only real difference I notice after Ash Wednesday is more fish sandwich commercials by my favorite fast food restaurants catering to those eating fish on Fridays.  Maybe the occasional Easter Bunny themed commercial later on in March and April.  Lent is not that marketed, and so it feels like more of a calm, somber time.


 Second, while Advent celebrates the waiting for celebrating Jesus' birthday and coming to earth in the form of a helpless baby (and yes, I know, historically speaking Jesus was most likely born in the spring time and not on December 25th, it is just when we celebrate it.) Lent celebrates the waiting for the entire reason why we even know this carpenter from Nazareth!  The Great I AM Himself, laid down His life for you and me so that we might become His righteousness (Romans 5:22) !  And not only that, but after he died, His physical body and spirit, He returned to life!  Sometimes I just cannot wrap my head around that.  I mean, dead, cold and dead and gone and 3 days later completely restored and breathing and walking and eating!  It is hard to believe that one day, Jesus will return (Acts 1:11).


It is hard to believe, and sometimes I doubt.  That's when I ask, "Lord, I believe, help my unbelief!" I am so glad that man said that to Jesus, cause it gives me permission to say it too (Mark 9:24).


What does it mean to "believe" here?  "For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whom ever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life." (John 3:16)

I heard a story about some missionaries in a remote tribal area in Columbia.  The missionaries got to know the people, lived among them, and began to learn their language.  At one of the many tribal counsel meetings, the chief wanted to understand the John 3:16 verse.  The missionaries were struggling to describe in their language what "believe" meant.  Finally, one of the missionaries pointed up at the hammocks in the trees.  This particular tribe of people all slept each night high up in the trees in hammocks.  He asked, "Do you believe the hammock will hold you?  All of your body weight?"  They didn't have to say more to explain, because the people understood.  It is one thing to say, "Yeah, that hammock could hold me." And it is another thing to climb into the hammock and trust it to hold your entire body.

I like this idea of a hammock because I associate hammocks with relaxing.  And that is what Jesus calls us to.  To come and rest in Him.  Trust Him to hold us.

Matthew 11:28 "Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." 

For me, Lent 2013 feels like a hammock.  Jesus is wrapping His arms around me, reminding me how much He loves me, and it gives me the strength I need to live for Him and invite others into, as our church says, the unexpected joy of desperate dependence on Him.

Seekers Panel

I really appreciated a facebook friend of mine sharing the video of her church this weekend of a discussion panel with people who consider themselves 'spiritual seekers' and not Christians.  I learned alot from these 3 people and the pastor asked some really great questions. It is about 48 minutes long.

http://vimeo.com/58892397

Leaning on the Ever- lasting Arms!

Woke up singing this morning.

Don't believe sin's deception

Asking for God's grace, forgiveness, and healing and a discerning and loving heart. 



Hebrews 4: 12-13

"For the word of God is living and active.  Sharper than any double-edged sward, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.  Nothing in all creation is hidden from God's sight.  Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account." 


Isaiah 5:20

"Woe to those who call evil good and good evil, who put darkness for light and light for darkness, who put bitter for sweet and sweet for bitter." 

Psalm 139:23-24

"Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.  See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting."